Firstly, I will start with why I drank in the first place. Well like other people I did it to let go, and also for the confidence alcohol gave me. Alcohol would take me from being someone who questioned every decision, considering the bad in all of them, to someone who no longer questioned my decisions/thoughts and had no anxiety. That is a very simple explanation of why I drank, but of course you can always go deeper. I wasn’t someone who drank every day, I was a binge drinker, once I was around people that were drinking, I found It very hard to say no and not join in. I would love their sense of freedom from their minds and the confidence they would possess. But once I did, I had no limit to how much my body could take, my personality liked the feeling so much, it didn’t control it and kept going.
Then there was the next day… My hangovers would not just last the day like others, it would last a week sometimes even going into the second week or more. I would wake up with a suffocating amount of anxiety. That feeling of freedom from my mind from the night before, would then result in a horrendous week of anxiety and depression. I would then relay what I could remember from the night before, punish myself mentally for the things I had said and done, including the little things. Never did I wake up and not go through this after a night of drinking, I never thought the next day wow that was worth it. I would have the shakes all over my body, as my body could not handle the intake of alcohol I had consumed or even one drink at all. I would not be able to function at work or in simple tasks, as I could not concentrate, as my mind was busy repeating every little detail in complete panic. Also, as I was so disappointed in myself for allowing my personality to take over and drink, I would be agitated and angry, making me short tempered with my friends and family. Which would then create problems in my relationships at home, a result of allowing my personality to take over and consume alcohol.
Over a period of a couple of months, I begun to question why I drank and why I could not control my personality to just say no. I was still drinking at this stage, but had an open mind to changing this pattern and a want to understand myself more. Then, after one night of drinking I knew that would be the last time I would drink! I wanted to create confidence within myself without drinking, I wanted to have confidence in my voice and what I believed in. It definitely was hard, as I am now 22 and drinking is societies “social norm”, I begun to lose interest in a lot of people, I was and still am criticized, as apparently if you are not out drinking at my age, you are not experiencing life.
But, giving up drinking was just the beginning to finding out who I really am, finding the confidence in myself and my decisions. I may not fit in with most young adults of my generation, but I would much rather spend that time focusing on finding out who I am in a healthier way. I now have learnt to be alone, to enjoy my own company, to say no, to love who I am and my differences. For me giving up drinking was just the beginning and definitely the right decision.
There is beauty in our individual differences, find strength in that beauty and let yourself stray from the crowd. As I have found that is where you will truly find self-love and acceptance.
Thank you for reading,
With love Kaylie.